If you were a booger...And the truth behind other bad pickup lines.

I was the victim of a horrible pickup line, the other night. I didn't even realize it was a pickup line, until later, when I was replaying the entire scenario in my mind. Let me just say this. Bad pickup lines will never get you anywhere. For the most part. I have never met a couple who got married, had 10 kids and lived happily ever after, as the result and recipients of a bad pick up line. I would imagine that if these people exist, they're the same one's that get married at Disneyland. I'm very sorry, if you got married at Disneyland. And that's not an apologetic "I'm sorry" for the comment that I made. It's the fact that you got married at Disneyland.

Back to my earlier statement of "bad pickup lines will never get you anywhere.". Boys, men...please, know that you are being laughed at, after you use a bad pickup line. Sometimes, in your face, which could kind of work in your favor and if you were smart enough (I doubt it), you could play off of the fact that it was a great way to break the ice. I say "boys and men" because unfortunately, this is the species that usually use bad pickup lines. Go figure. I have had one encounter with a bad pickup line. It was...

Boy that liked me: "Are your legs tired?"

Me: "No."

Boy that liked me: "Oh. Because you've been running through my mind, all day."

The truth is, I thought it was cute. Did I also mention, that I was 12? I could easily rest my case and say "goodbye" with that statement. Pickup lines are alive and kicking, today. As mentioned, I was the victim of one the other night. My dad sent me to get coffee for the church office kitchen. 

 FACT: I'm a preacher's daughter. More on that later.

So, my dad sent me on this little errand. He didn't say "Charity, can you go get a can of Folgers?". It was "Charity, can you go to Bed, Bath and Beyond and get those Keirug coffee things for the coffee maker, in the kitchen?". I now know why there's that "beyond" in Bed, Bath and Beyond. I do know what the little Keirug things are. I've watched my entire family and friends use them, so I wasn't nervous about that part. It's the fact that I hate coffee and he told me "Just get what you think will be good.". That's kind of like telling an Atheist to choose a religion they think would be good. No clue or desire. I took the challenge, headed off to the world of coffee and almost cried when I saw what I was up against...

This is only one side. They had every coffee flavor, under the sun. Why is there a need for so many flavors? Why can't coffee lovers just like caffeinated or decaffeinated? It's that simple. Thanks, Starbucks. I worked myself up into quite a fit. I was upset because I didn't know what flavor to get and no clue where decaffeinated was. I wanted to cuss. Yes, I'm a Christian but I'm also human and if any of you followers/readers are Christians and say you've never had that urge, repent. You just lied. I decided to ask someone for help. Superwoman Charity could not do it.

Ok, let's press the "pause" button to discuss my wardrobe. Yes, there is a very good reason for this "pause". It's basically the main point of the horrible pickup line. Oh, you thought this was a post about coffee? No.

I was wearing an outfit that may have resembled something you might find in a horseback riders closet. Cute jean skirt, brown leather riding boots, oxford shirt, cardigan and newsboy hat. Ummm, ok the jean skirt would not be used in riding the horse, but I think you get my point. 

Ok, "play" button. So, this sales guy came up to help. I kindly (ok it was more of a very irritated tone) asked him which would be the best coffee to get. His first reply was, "Starbucks". He should've left it at that. This was apparently not a typical man. And that's when it happened. The horrible pick up line. They should warn you about those things. He then said, "Hey! You could brew you a nice cup and drink it on your horse!". I guess my expression immediately made him regret what he just said. I can't say the same for others. He felt the need to reply with, "You know your outfit and newsboy hat. You look like a preppy horseback rider.". Oh!! Right. Because horseback riders carry cute little mugs of coffee, while they ride. This would've been just a cheesy conversation starter, but he felt the need to say later, as I checked out, "If you need me to hold that cup while you ride your horse, you know where to find me.".  Oh my God. What is wrong with this guy? He needs a muzzle. Seriously. I do believe the girl at the register felt my pain, because she looked at me and rolled her eyes. See? Men, we all think the same thing. Bad pickup lines are a FAIL! 

This entire scenario got me thinking, later discussing this at dinner and the entire table decided to chime in. We started talking, mainly laughing, about bad pickup lines. I went online to these websites that solicit bad pickup lines. I can't post all of them, mainly for the reason that the majority of them would be grounds for any woman to charge a man with sexual harassment. But, a few I found hilarious and I'm praying that nobody seriously ever uses these. If you do, you need to stop. NOW! 

1.Did you fart? Because you just blew me away.

Why in the name of God, would you ask any woman that? 

2. If you were a booger I'd pick you first.

This is just disgusting. 

3. I'm addicted to yes, and I'm allergic to no. So what's it gonna be?

Hope you're stocked up on Claritin.

4. Do you know karate? 'Cause your body is really kickin'.

Sure do. Where should I kick you first?
5. So, you're a girl huh?
No, I'm a man with a great boob job.
6. I can tell by the way you're ignoring me, you want me.
Oh, yeah. Super bad!
7. I am very, very, very lonely and I was wonderin'...
Yes, pets are great companions.
8. What's a slut like you, doing in a classy joint, like this?
Yep, that'll get you married, for sure!
9. You look just like my mother.
Oh, mommy issues, FO SHO!


Ok, here's the deal. Not all pickup lines are bad. I do understand that some men lack the gift of conversation and desperately need help. Some men can easily pull it off and end up with the girl of their dreams. But, I can guarantee they did not use a bad pickup line. A funny pickup line can break the ice, but I hope that was the intention all along. Simply to break the ice. A few pickup lines, that could POSSIBLY (and I emphasize on "POSSIBLY") work for a guy's benefit if he's smart enough to play it off....


Disclaimer: I'm still not a fan of pickup lines.


1. How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the ice. Can I get your number?


2. Give me three good reasons why I shouldn't buy you a drink?


3. I bet you $20 you're going to turn me down.


4. With my luck, you're probably here with someone.


5. Hey! Someone farted. Let's get out of here.






 If you're a man reading this, take it from a woman, we don't like bad pickup lines. And that advise should only be given to a single guy. If you're married and still using pickup lines, we have a problem. No, YOU have the problem. We don't. It's cheesy, tacky and rude. It's kind of like someone who wears a fanny pack. You just shouldn't. Ever. That goes for single and married men. Yes, I'm referring to the fanny pack, on this one. When it comes to trolling out women, use something simple and classy. And I just realized I used the word "trolling" in the same sentence as "simple and classy". Forgive me. Leave the bad pickup lines at home. Matter of fact, just burn them. In my opinion, usually a simple, "Can I get you coffee, sometime?" is a nice way of asking a girl out. It's simple, straight forward and not cheesy. You don't need a pickup line. You just don't. A compliment is completely different than a pickup line. Please, know the difference. 

Also, did I mention that Jesus doesn't like pickup lines.

PS. Feel free to share your experience with bad pickup lines. We could all use a good laugh.

Cheers!

 ~ Charity